A Struggling Soul

Ima start by posting my latest story, it's title is A Struggling Soul. Hope you enjoy =]
A Struggling Soul
“What are your escapes?” the teacher asks.
I look up from my doodles to find him looking at me.
“Stephanie. How ‘bout you, what are your escapes?” he asks, testing me to see how well I’d been listening, no doubt.
“My escapes?” I raise an eyebrow.
“Yes.”
“Poetry, music, and sleep.” I state, plain and simple.
“Explain, please.” he pushes.
I sigh.
“Poetry takes me to a different time, place, and people. Music drowns out the world and it’s BS. Sleep puts me where there is no hurt.” I say.
Mr. Phillips tilts his head ever so slightly…”Well then…who’s next?” and that was that.
A couple hours later I walk through my door…dad’s at work, mom’s cooking, and the kids are watching TV.
“How was school?” mom asks.
I sigh. There are always questions with that woman. No silence, no peace, no escape…I think of how much I hate her.
“Crappy, as always.” I moan.
I head to my little room at the back on the house, throw my back-pack onto the bed, take off my school clothes, put on sweats and a tank top, and then for homework. Soon after homework dad comes home, TV goes off, and then we all sit down to eat dinner, where I just pick at my food. After that I finish my chores, and then FINALLY, off to bed. I slip into bed, bring my covers up to my head, and close my eyes. And just like every other night, I sigh a content sigh and realize how much I love sleep….it takes it all away, every bad memory, every hurt, every tear…it’s taken away by sleep. I find myself falling asleep smiling, but also like every other night I will awaken to find myself crying and wonder at what point in my peaceful sleep did the tears overflow. At least the screaming had stopped. And when the screaming stopped, so did my counseling sessions. It was just a waste in money, anyways. No one knows what’s wrong with me…not even myself. The sleep was peaceful, dreamless, yet night after night I’d wake to find myself sobbing.
It had all started the day after Jimmy died. I wince as I think of him…he had been my love, what I lived for; my one true escape…and now I tried my hardest to find an escape from him, his memory. We had been dating for a year, thinking seriously of marriage (since we were in the 11th grade), when the accident happened…my mind goes back to that night.
“Hello?” I asked with a smile (that was the last time I smiled), as I answered the phone.
“Steph?” Jimmy asked quietly, he sounded like he was in pain.
“Yeah, baby. It’s me.” I had giggled.
“I love you. I wanted to spend forever with you, but my time is up.” he had rushed.
“W-what are you saying?” I asked starting to hyperventilate.
“Promise me something; promise me that you’ll live, laugh, and love just as if I were still there. Swear to me that you will.”
“I swear.” I had said, sobbing.
“I love you, Steph. With my entire being.” he said softly, but with the tinge of pain in his voice.
“I…I love you too.”
*Click*
The phone had cut off.
Only later did I find out that my soul mate had died in a car accident. Before that night, every dream was of him…every escape included him…every thought, feeling, laugh…it all held him. Then, there were no dreams; my escapes were to drown out his memory: love, life, laughter died as he took his last breath.
I became a beacon for pity…the “I’m so sorry” looks came from everywhere…I became an outcast.
The Emo kid.
The heartless child.
I didn’t even notice the names anymore. My world had collapsed, my laughter drained, and my heart broken beyond repair. That’s when my parents decided to get “professional help”.
I got mad…I rebelled.
I changed me.
I dyed my long, blonde hair to a jet black. Colors had no meaning…they became dull and lifeless. I changed from bright and cheery, to dull and sad, furious at the world. That when I acquired the name Emocess.
I didn’t give a crap.
I was mad and I was going to show it as best as I could.
I suddenly came out of my slideshow of the past…the house was quiet, I looked at my clock…”Wow, midnight comes quick.” I said.
I slowly got out of bed and went outside, my stash was hidden well. I walked to the far side of the house where no one could see me, and I lit the joint. I had left out that getting high was another escape of mine.
But they didn’t care.
Why should they care?
As I was about to put the joint to my lips, I had a revelation. I put out the joint, walked inside, and sat down on my bed. I started to babble to myself.
“Sleep, the perfect escape….where I feel no hurt. But I awake to find myself sobbing…the pain tears me apart, secretly, while I sleep…it’s the only place I feel safe enough to let free of my emotions…” I gasp, “I sob in my sleep, because that’s the only way I can’t feel it tearing me apart….that’s why I always feel drained.” I take out my “rant journal” for the first time in a year…I pass my last entry…the pain it held was too much for me to feel right now, I was on a mission. “I’m always emotionally drained, sad when I wake up, because it tears me apart in my sleep.” I babble to myself.
My revelations made me remember the promise…”Promise me” he had said, and I did…I had lied, to my soul mate. The pain stabbed me as I realized this. Sleep was too far away, I had to face this on my own. I looked back to the last entry in my journal, I already hurt this bad, why not more?
‘He’s gone. My life…my world…mine…it’s gone. He left me here, to die alone, silently, painfully. Everyday I die a little more. There is no love left…there’s only pain. There’s no laughter, only tears. Why did he leave me? I have a dying soul.’ it read.
That last statement blew me away…I realized that I was right, I had a dying soul. So why live?
Because I had sworn to Jimmy that I’d live, whether it killed my soul or not.
Was living a normal life possible?
No, not a normal life, but living may be possible…not quite bearable, just possible.
I sigh…I’m pulled from my thoughts to realize that they weren’t thoughts…I had fallen asleep at some point in this theory…idea…revelation.
My thoughts had become dreams…I awoke to find myself sighing, no smile (of course not), no tears (surprising), just sighing…what could it mean?
I look over out my window; the first light of the day is filtering in through the frosty glass. It’s December…it’s winter break…I smile ever so slightly, no school. No torture. Peace, freedom, and silence. For two weeks, at least. This thought puts me in a pretty hopeful mood….today is bearable, life is tough.
Something is different, I have more energy…no pressure, I can breathe. I pull my long, black hair back into a ponytail. I walk out to the kitchen, everyone’s gone. They have a life…
I make coffee and eat some eggs someone had left on the stove. After breakfast I decided to call Jenny, my “friend”, to see if she wanted to hang out.
“Hello?” someone answers.
“Um, yeah, Jenny there?” I ask.
“You’re talking to her!” she says, all bright and cheery.
I can tell, already, that I’ll need more coffee.
“Hmm….this is Stephanie.”
“Stephanie? Stephanie WALKER?!” she gasps.
“Um, yeah. It’s me.”
“Holy crap! What happened to you? I haven’t heard from you since J-uhh…since the accident.”
“Uh…yeah…I sorta tried to drop off the face of the earth.”
‘Or hell on earth’ I think to myself.
“Well…yeah.” she replied not sure what to say.
“I was wondering if you wanted to hang out today…” I mumble nervously.
“Uh, yeah. Sure…lunch at Wendy’s?”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you there.”
“Cool, bye.”
*Click*

Crap. I already have a headache. So, I make plans with the most annoyingly chipper girl ever? Man, I’m stupid.
I grab 3 Ibuprofen and another cup of coffee. I walk in my room, get dressed, get the keys, and walk out to the car.
10 minutes later, I’m ordering a coffee while listening to Jenny ramble on and on.
Well, sounds like her life is perfect.


We “hung out” the rest of the day. Food, shopping, and movies.
“It’s been great to catch up, Steph.” Jen sighs.
“Yeah, it was.” I give her a slight smile.
“Well, Jim’s waiting for me.”
I wince, Jim was Jimmy’s brother…he had survived the accident…Jim and Jenny had been dating since then.
“Yeah, okay. I’ll see you later.”
“I sure hope so. The world needs you, Steph.” she gives me a tight squeeze.
Her words play over and over in my head, I get in the car. Alone time is the best time for me…I can think.
“Jimmy, I did it, I actually tried. I talked…I vented. I was me.” I think aloud.
“Doesn’t that mean that I’m living? No longer a dying soul…just a struggling one.” I sigh.
I can imagine him telling me “good job”, smiling his cute smile at me, his brown eyes flashing with excitement.
Crap. Too much. I have felt too much. Sleep isn’t anywhere near me, I’ll have to deal with it on my own. I pull into the driveway. The house is dark, on one is home yet.
I let it have me, the agony of it, the pain…the happiness, the smiles.
“That’s it, Jimmy.” I gasp; the tears roll mercilessly, “To remember the happy. To remember YOU. Without you my life is nothing, with you it has meaning.” I sob.
I remember everything clearly, for the first time in forever.
Another revelation.
“I can’t live with just a memory…I can’t live.” I gasp again and again. The thought of doing something like that is unbearable.
“You can do it, Steph.” I hear someone say.
“No…I can’t. It hurts too much.” I sob, not caring who it was.
“Stephanie, you’re stronger than this. The world needs you.”
I suddenly spin around in my seat, my mom is there, holding the passenger door open, her blues eyes streaming (I had gotten her eyes). I can’t believe it. She cares. And I adore her. She’s my mom.
“Momma!” I gasp, grabbing her in a tight hug.
“I’m here, baby girl.” She sobs with me.
“I’m so sorry, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Jimmy’s not coming back, mom. He’s gone…how can I live without my life?”
“Through us. Your family.”
And that’s what I did, I began to live through them, then I branched out to friends….
I constantly repeat to myself, “No longer a dying soul, but a struggling soul.”







JANUARY

















FEBRUARY



















“What about a relationship? Why not give one of these guys a chance?” Jen asks me.
It has been a couple months since my “break down” as everyone called it. I call it my revelations….but you know, everyone has their own opinion.
“Jen…you should know, by now, how I feel about that.” I groan.
“Yes, I do. But, I find it really sad that you’re choosing to be lonely for the rest of your life.”
“Jenny, I’m not lonely if I choose to do it. I’m fine, I swear. We all know how much better off I am then 2 months ago…”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. I won’t bring it up again…” she says hanging her head.
“It’s fine, Jen. Don’t beat yourself up.” I smile.
I’ve been smiling a lot more lately, ever since that night with my mom…I’m a different person. I’m not completely healed or happy, but I live my life. Family means everything to me, friendships mean a lot too…but love is dead for me. And it will always stay that way.
“Steph?” Jenny asks.
“Yeah? What’s up?” I say, suddenly coming out of my thoughts.
“Nothing. Just making sure you’re here. You were doing the stare again…” she trails off.
Everyone knows my stare…the stare that I give when I’m in a different world, lost in my thoughts, having more revelations, becoming lost in the fog. My friends and family tried to bring me out of my stare as often as they caught me giving it…they couldn’t bear to have me in the fog again.
“I’m sorry. Thank you, Jenny.” I say smiling at her.
“No problem, that’s what I’m here for!” she says in her usual bright and happy voice.
We get up from the lunch table…time for class. I look around me and realize how lucky I am that my mom had saved me…I had been about to do something I would regret, and she saved me. I smile and thank God for such a wonderful blessing as her. I’m breathing, smiling, laughing, living. I sigh. My sighs are no longer sad and angry ones…they’re relieved and content sighs.

A couple hours later I’m home, I walk through the door and look around, there’s my mom in the kitchen cooking dinner.
“Hey mom!” I say to her with a smile.
“Hey, Steph. How was school?” she says happily, she smiles a lot more these days too.
“Pretty good. Getting ready for graduation…you can feel the excitement in the air, at school, Mom. It’s so funny to see how nervous these kids are.” I say with ease.
“And you aren’t?”
“Of course not, I’m graduating from High School to College…it’s just like middle school to high school. Nothing special.”
Her mouth hangs open…”Nothing SPECIAL?!” she exclaims.
“No.” I state matter of factly.
“Stephanie, this is your graduation, not only from high school, but from childhood. Once you graduate….you’re an adult. In the big, bad world.”
“Mom, I’ve seen a lot of the ‘big, bad world’ already…you know that. And I’m prepared for being an adult…I’m just not nervous.” I say thinking back to the night I told my mom about the drugs and my feelings.
She shudders…I can tell that she’s remembering it as well.
“Alright, honey. Just…remember what you went through then.”
“Mom, I won’t forget. I’m not returning to that stage of my life. It’s done and gone.”
“Okay.” she says smiling.
I walk back to my bedroom, I had just repainted it. I smile as I walk into the bright yellow room…it’s no longer foreign…just like I’m not. It has evolved just as I have. I’m happy. That thought no longer amazes me. I’m me. I strip from my school clothes to my familiar sweats and tank top. My comfort clothes. Homework is light, so I’m done quickly. I walk back out to the kitchen and help mom with dinner; this had become a routine for me. My mom and I had become closer in the last two months then we had ever been before….it has helped me grow to be a stronger person. It has made me happier. Dad, though, was not so willing as to forget my mistakes…he had grounded me from all forms of fun and has yet to actually speak to me. He’ll say a few words every now and then, but never a full conversation. I’m going to change that tonight, whether he likes it or not.
I start thinking of sleep; it still has the same power over me. My greatest escape. But it has lost its dreamlessness. Every night now, when I close my eyes and drift away from the world, I have nightmares of the past or dreams of a brighter tomorrow. These are what help me stay positive and live for today, because today is different then yesterday, and you never know what tomorrow will bring. I smile as I realize that I’ve changed…

“Dad, we need to talk.” I say after dinner. Everyone is in the living room and it’s just us two here in the kitchen.
“Why? What’s the point?” he asked gruffly.
I flinch, because I know he is imitating what I sounded like a few months ago.
“Because your daughter misses you, and the point is to reunite our relationship. Now stop being like that to me, and talk.” I say with as much respect as I can.
“I will talk when you show me some respect and explain to me what happened to my ‘daughter’.”
I could hear the quotation marks in his voice as he said the word ‘daughter’.
“Dad, I’m trying to be respectful, but you won’t stop imitating me long enough to listen. I’m trying to talk to you about what happened. Please, I’m begging you, listen to me.” I say, the tears swelling in my eyes.
“You know what I’m doing?”
“Dad, I can read you like a book.”
“Okay. I’m listening, Stephanie.”
*flinch* Ugh, another blow. He never said my full first name; it was always ‘Steph’.
I sigh, “Dad, I love you with all my heart. I didn’t realize that until…” I gulp; I know this is going to hurt.
“Until?” he pushes me.
“Until, Jimmy died. And it may hurt you to realize this, I don’t know, but he was the love of my life. I will never love the same again. When he died, he took my world with him. Now, I understand that you think I’m just being a teenager and taking it to extremes, but you don’t understand how much I loved that man.” I pause, he rolls his eyes. I begin again.
“Dad, when Jimmy died, I died with him. The old Stephanie won’t come back, because she died as he took his last breath. But, I can promise you that I’m trying my best to be Steph. And to live my life. I don’t want you to think that I hate you, or ever hated you….I didn’t. I hated Mom for a while, but that night when I came back…that changed. I love you guys with my entire being; you’re what I have left. You’re the reason I’m still breathing. If it weren’t for Mom opening that passenger door, I’d be dead. I’m sorry for being the little brat I have been for the past year, but I’m sure you can tell that I’m changing. I love you, Dad. Please…don’t hate me anymore.” the tears had started flowing in the middle of my speech.
“Steph, I never hated you. I hated what you had become, what HE had done to you…he stole my baby girl from me.” his voice is thick with emotion, “I just didn’t know how to help you, and then you suddenly changed. I don’t know how to handle it.”
I sigh, a sigh of relief, he had used my nickname. The tears roll harder…I couldn’t bear the thought of him hating my Jimmy, but he had a right to. I had even hated him, the first few months after he had died…I mean, he had left me here, alone. I shake my head to dispel the images of my past self. I had changed.
“Dad, I’m still Steph, I’m just not the same Steph as before. I still love you. That won’t change. I’ll love you, Mom, and the kids even after the world ends. I understand that my sudden change is hard for you to deal with, but we can make it through, together. I promise. I’m not going anywhere.” I reach to him, hugging him tight.
“I love you so much, baby girl. Never do this to me again, you hear me? And I’ll do everything in my power to keep you safe from hurt.” he whispers in my ear, hugging me so tight I can’t breathe.
“I hear you, Daddy.” I say.
He lets go and smiles at me for the first time in months.
“Welcome back, Steph.” he says, grinning.
I smile at him. He looks stunned.
“What?” I ask, confused.
“I haven’t seen your smile in so long…I forgot how much it reminds me of your mother.” he says smiling even more.
“What? What reminds you of me?” Mom asks, walking into the room smiling.
“Your daughter’s smile.” Dad says…walking to her to give her a kiss.
I smile again, walk out to my room, I wanted to give them their moment.
As I am alone, I wait for it to hit me…the pain of talking about Jimmy for so long, but what I feel is peace. No over-powering pain stabbing me…a little ache in the pit of my stomach, but over-all…peace. I’m amazed…I’m not healed, but I am healing.
Life is bearable, becoming more and more so. Laughter was mine once again. But love is forever lost. I slip into my covers and pull them up to my face…shutting the world out.
‘I wonder what dreams will overwhelm my sleep tonight?’ I think to myself.
I sigh…my sighs are apart of who I am. That won’t change. I laugh as I realize this. My laughter fills the room, it echoes back to me, it’s a foreign sound…the echo of my laughter brings back memories of times when laughter was around every corner, hidden in every little detail of life. What had happened to that time? Gone. They’re gone. My conversation with dad rushes back to me, it had awakened us both, our relationship as well. I smile, I’m happy. Life is worth living as long as the people I love are happy. He was happy again. I drift off…sleep overtaking my mind…

I yawn and stretch as I awake from my peaceful sleep. No dreams. Weird. I ponder over this as I get out of bed. Today is Saturday, no school, no headache arousing noise. I smile. Today is a new day; whatever was wrong yesterday is no longer a problem. The thought is a happy one.
“Good morning, beautiful.” I hear my dad say to my mom, in the kitchen.
“Good morning, dear. Did you sleep well?” she asks.
“Of course, I always sleep well when I’m next to you.” he says, grinning, probably winking at her too.
“Where is Steph?” he asks.
“Sleeping.”
“No, I’m awake. Morning Mom and Dad!” I yell from my room.
I hear footsteps approaching my bedroom. Dad’s suddenly at the door.
“Well, good morning, sweetheart. Did you sleep well?” he asks me, smiling.
“Yes, actually I did. No dreams.”
“Really? I thought you always have dreams.” he lifts an eyebrow.
“I thought so too, Dad. I don’t know what happened, but I’m not complaining. I slept better than I have in a long while.” I stretch and yawn again.
“That’s good…” he said, he stood in my door way as if he had something more to say.
“What do you need, Dad?”
“I was wondering…what were you planning on doing to yourself if Mom hadn’t opened that door?”
I sighed, I knew that was coming, honestly I was surprised that he hadn’t asked last night.
“I was going to choke myself with my seatbelt. I didn’t want to live in a world where I wasn’t alive. But, like I said, Mom snapped me out of it. She showed me that I could be alive through you guys.”
He flinched as if someone had shot him through the chest, as I said these things. He looked as if he were in so much pain; he then fell to his knees.
“Dad, are you okay?!” I ask running over to him.
“No. I am not. I can’t believe you would have done that. If your mom had just been a little later…what…you…I wouldn’t have my baby girl. I can’t imagine that…the pain we would have gone through, the pain of losing something so special and precious to the world and in our lives. Why, Steph?” he says tripping over the words.
I realize that he is crying. My dad…is crying about the past. He never did that.
“Dad, I’m here. It was stupid I understand that, but you don’t understand the pain that I felt during that time. If you had been in my head…or rather…my heart, you would understand me wanting to die. I can promise you that. But, I’m here…Mom wasn’t late…I swear to you, I won’t try it again.” I say trying to calm him down.
“You look at me, young lady; look me in the eyes right now. Now tell me, would you have wanted Jimmy to kill himself just because you had died?”
I flinch, he found my weakness, and with the jerk of my body…he realizes that he has.
“No, Dad.”
“There, then why would you do it?”
“I already admitted that it was stupid and won’t happen again, can we move on?”
“Alright, but I think you need…”
“What? ‘Professional help’?”
“Yes.”
“No, you already tried that…and it doesn’t work on me. Forget it.”
“I’ll forget it when I know that you don’t need it.”
“Fine. I’ll prove it. I thought I had already proved it to you…ask Mom, she already suggested the ‘help’, I’ve proved it to her. ASK HER.” I say.
“I will.”
“Good. Now, do you need anything else?”
“No. Not really.”
“Alright, can you leave now? That way I can get dressed?” I ask, laughing a little.
“Ohh…right. Okay. I love you, Steph.” he says walking away.
“I love you too, Dad.” I sigh.
‘Well THAT was interesting.’ I think to myself.
‘It was indeed.’ says the little voice in my head…I wondered if I were going insane, after-all.
Ha. No, I wasn’t. I turn around to see Siah Williams in my doorway. He had become my closest friend in the past couple months. I wondered what he was doing here.
“How did you guess what I was thinking?” I ask, going to hug him.
“Your face. I can read you like a book, Steph.” he says embracing me. I always feel safe in his arms, but it’s nothing compared to Jimmy’s hugs.
“Ah. Of course you can.” I say looking up at him.
He smiles his goofy grin at me…his grin can brighten anyone’s day, I swear. I smile harder.
“Okay, so tell me, what are you doing here?” I ask a little confused.
“Came to kidnap you, of course. We have a football practice, remember?” he says.
“I forgot about that!” I say rushing around to find some suitable clothes.
“Well, let’s go!” he laughs, trying to pull me out the door.
“Can I, at least, get dressed first?” I ask.
“I don’t know. Can you?”
I roll my eyes at him, push him out the door, shut and lock my door…then finally I get dressed.
I go into my personal bathroom, brush my teeth and hair, and I’m good to go. I walk to my door and open it. There he is waiting.
“Okay! Let’s go.” I say jumping around.
“Um. I think you’ll want shoes, Steph.” he says, looking down to my bare-feet.
“Ohh…right.” I run back into my room grab my converse, socks, and I’m out the door, dragging him along.
“Okay, Siah. What’s first?” I ask, this is the first time that I’m really excited about something.
“Hmm…I don’t know.” he says, taking off his hat to run his fingers through his curls.
“Siah! You do this all the time.” I whine.
“I know. I’m sorry. Okay, let’s seeee….” he trails off.
“First, I want to know how Han is.” I tell him.
“Hannah, she’s amazing.” he says, giggling his silly giggle.
“Good. Okay, down to business. You need to teach me football; I don’t care what type or any of that crap. Just show me how to play.”
“Sure. I gotcha. Now, first, throw the ball to me. Let’s see how good your throw is.” he says backing up.
“Sure. Okay.” I position myself, make sure the ball is in my hand the right way, and I brace myself.
“Anytime, now.” he laughs.
“Oh shut up, I’m going.” I laugh back at him.
I step back and throw the ball as hard as I can. It spirals through the air toward him; he starts running backwards, jumps up, and catches it mid-air.
“Whoa, Steph. You’re good.”
“Thanks. What next?” I ask, laughing at his expression.
“Catching. Go long.” he yells, throwing the ball.
I run backwards, my arms out, I see it coming…it starts to fall, I jump and miss. I start laughing.
“Hey, um, Steph. I think we need to work on your catching.” he laughs.
“I know it. Sorry, Siah.” I say, I feel bad that he has to play with someone so clumsy.
“Naw. Don’t be. I can’t play with Hannah; it’s nice to be able to get some playing time in.”
“Alright. Go long.” I yell throwing the ball.
It spirals towards his chest, he takes a step back, his arms held out, he dives, and misses. I start laughing hysterically.
“Looks like you could use some work on your catch.” I giggle.
“Yeah, like I said, it’s nice to get some practice time.” he laughs.
We continue playing like this for a good while; he teaches me how to throw a little better, how to catch the ball, and how to dive. I laugh and smile the entire time. I love the smell of the cool breeze as it floats through the football field, we’re on the field that he uses while playing, it’s large and roomy. Plenty of room for a couple buses to fit onto. The grass is a brilliant green; the sky is the bluest of blues, and the sun incredibly bright. Siah’s eyes flash as he plays, I think of how much I love his brown eyes, always full of laughter and fun. I start to think, suddenly New Moon pops into my head and I realize that Siah is my Jacob. I needed him to be my sunshine while I tried to heal. I smile. I’m lucky to have such a friend. He notices my smile, “What?” he asks.
“You’re my Jacob.” I state simply.
“Really now? Hmm…”
“What?”
“Jacob fell for Bella.”
“ha. That won’t happen.”
“But still…”
“But still, nothing. You’re my sunshine, you’re my Jacob.” I laugh.
“Alright. I can see that.” he grins.
I smile wider. His laughter, humor, his smile; they are my medicine.
“I make you pretty happy, don’t I?” he lifts an eyebrow.
“Yes, you do. But don’t get a big head about it, okay?”
“Naw, don’t worry, Steph.” he says winking at me.
“Alright, I trust you.” I don’t think he realizes how much that means, or how much effort it took for me to trust him.
“I promise, Steph…” he starts walking towards me, “I promise to you, that I’ll always be here, I won’t hurt you like he did. You can trust me, and I know how much effort it takes for you to do so.” (Okay, so maybe he did realize it.) he has reached me…he takes me in his arms and squeezes me tightly, once. Then lets go of me.
“No more gay, side hugs.” he said laughing.
“Yeah. No more of those things.” I say laughing along with him.
“Should we go?” he asks.
“Only if you want to spend time with Han.” I say.
“She’s grounded…” he trails off.
“Why?”
“Um…broke something and never told her parents.”
“Ah. Poor girl.” I sigh.
“No, she’s fine. Missing me, but fine.” he laughs.
“Okay, so I guess we can do whatever. You pick now.” I say smiling up at him. He’s not that much taller then me, but still tall enough for me to look up.
“Hmmm…I promised you a movie. Wanna do that?” he asks.
“Um…sure, but you’ll have to take me home so that I can get my money.”
“Alright, let’s go.” he says pulling me long as he walks to his car, on the opposite side of the field.
I laugh once again. I’m always giggling or laughing when I’m with or talking to him. Like I said…he’s my medicine. Our conversations are funny, random, and happy. Never a dull moment with us three; yes, I’m including Hannah. I loved her dearly. We’re the three musketeers, have been since the day we met. I smile; Siah sees it and smiles too.
“What’re you thinking about?” he asks.
“The three musketeers.” I say.
“Ah. You, me, and Han?”
“Yeah.” I laugh. He knew me too well.
“You realize how close we’ve gotten in just a couple months?” he asks.
“I was just thinking about that. I find it simply amazing.” I smile.
“Yeah. Ditto.”
We keep walking…the field is long. Finally we reach his car, he opens my side for me, I smile and get in, he walks around to his side and gets in. He then starts the car and we’re off. We reach my house, no body’s home, I run in and grab my wallet, change into better smelling clothes, and run back out to the car. He’s sitting there, in new clothes, as well. I lift an eyebrow, “How’d that happen?” I ask.
He laughs, “I snuck out back and changed into clothes I brought.” he says a little smugly.
“Okay. You ready?” I ask laughing.
“Of course. Horror movie sound good to you?”
“Sure. Are there any new ones out?”
“Umm…we’ll see when we get there, I guess.”
“Okay.”
He turns on his Muse CD and starts singing along; I eventually join in the fun. So, we arrive at the theater with the windows rolled down, singing Muse at the top of our lungs. Not a very pretty site…I laugh as I think of the poor people having to hear it. He laughs along too, apparently thinking the same thing. We get out of the car and walk up to the line, apparently there were some good movies out. We look around to see if we know anyone there, our eyes scan the crowd, we both suddenly freeze. There’s Hannah waiting in line with her family, looking at us. We sigh and smile. Siah’s by her side first, “Hey, baby.” he says bending down to kiss her.
“Hey! What are you two doing here?” She asks seeming excited.
“I promised Steph a movie a while back; I just finally decided to do it. We just came from the football field.” he says laughing, he always seemed so happy around her.
“Yeah, he showed me some moves that I desperately needed.” I say while hugging her.
“Really now? Well that’s total coolness.” she says laughing, hanging onto Siah’s arm.
I look at them, not as my friends, but as a couple. They’re perfectly happy together, complete opposites, but happy. Hannah is a rather short girl with short black hair and purple streaks, no heavy make-up but some purple eyeliner around her beautiful, blue eyes; wearing the purple, cross necklace Siah had given her for Christmas. She’s simply beautiful, much more than I ever could be. I sigh. And then there’s Siah with his 6 foot muscular frame, dark curls, and flashing brown eyes. Both bubbly and different, both totally in love with the other. I smile, but turn away, their love is too much for me to handle.
“Steph? Ya comin’?” Hannah asks.
“Um, yeah. Hang on, just a sec.” I took a second to collect myself, I just needed to breathe, and I’d be alright…I just couldn’t seem to find my lungs.
“Um, you alright, Steph?” Siah asks, putting his arm around me. Hannah is right behind him to give me a hug.
“No, she’s not alright. We need to get her busy, now. Steph, tell me what to do.” she says staring into my soul with her watery, blue eyes.
“I don’t know, Han.” I gasp, still trying to find my lungs.
“I know what to do.” Siah says gently moving Hannah away; he then wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. I sigh, I can breathe easier. Hannah, not wanting to be left out, joined in the hug and we all started laughing.
“See.” Siah says smugly.
“How did you do that?” Hannah asks, her mouth gaping.
“I’m her Jacob.” he says proudly.
“Yeah, thanks, man.” I say smiling.
“No problem, Steph.”
“I’m confused.” Hannah says, her eyebrows all bunched up as she tries to figure out our little exchange.
“Don’t be. Steph simply told me, today during football, that I’m her Jacob, like in New Moon. Jimmy’s Edward….so I’m Jacob.” he says laughing.
“Yeah.” I state, smiling at her.
“Ohhh. I gotcha. Hmm.”
“What?” me and Siah ask at the same time.
“Jake falls for Bella…”
“Naw, don’t worry.” I say patting her back.
“You’re right. He’s mine.” she says grinning.
“Yeah. I am.” he says winking at her…my lungs became lost again.
“I think she needs another hug.” Hannah says.
“No, she needs us to stop being the way we are.” Siah says, reading me again.
“Oh. Okay.”
“I’m alright. It’s fine. I know I get in your way, I’m sorry. I should just go.” I say sighing…the lonely feeling was back, hmm…maybe I did need that hug.
“NO!” they both yell at me, “You’re staying, we’re stopping.” Siah finishes.
He could tell that I needed them, he was good like that.
“Fine.” I sigh. I can breathe easier with them around; I admitted to myself that I didn’t want to leave. I realize how selfish I am.
We go into the theater and watch a really fake horror movie. We three musketeers sat in our seats laughing while others cringed and hid their faces. It was the best medicine for my aching heart.
“You alright now?” Siah asks, looking at me as we leave the theater. Hannah had left with her parents already…they weren’t about to let her ride home with Siah while she was grounded.
“Yeah. Laughter is the best medicine.” I smile.
“Tell me, Steph, what happened?” he asks looking worried, I don’t think he realizes what an amazing friend he is.
“I froze; I do that sometimes when I’m around true love.” I sigh.
“You froze?”
“Um, yeah. I couldn’t find my lungs…I couldn’t breathe, I became real cold and I just froze. I felt like my heart was freezing over…” I say shaking my head slowly.
“Um, okay.”
“It happens on occasion, usually with you and Han.”
“I’m sorry if we’re causing you pain.”
“Naw. It’s fine, just my own screwed up heart.” I laugh.
“Okayyy…I’m sorry, Steph.”
We get into the car and he drives me home. As I step out of the car he grabs my arm and looks at me. I raise an eyebrow, I’m confused.
“You alright, Steph?”
“I’m fine.” I lie.
“No, you’re not. Come here.” he says motioning to the driver door.
“Okay.” I walk to his side and open the door; he steps out and hugs me.
“You’ll be okay, Steph. We’re here for you. The Three Musketeers, remember?”
“Yeah, Siah. I remember. How could I forget?”
“Just remember that we’re here for you, no matter what, and we love you, no matter what.”
I smile up at him, “Thanks.” I can’t say anymore as the tears start to swell.
“No problem!” he laughs.
“Okay, Siah. Goodnight.”
“’Night, Steph.” he gets back in his car and drives off.
‘He’s the best guy bud anyone could ask for, I swear.’ I sigh, thinking to myself.
I walk in the front door, the lights are off, I switch them on.
“SURPRISE!!!” I hear several people yell, I look around quickly, why are there so many people in our little house?
“Um, what’s this about?” I ask.
“Your birthday, dear.” my mom says as she comes to hug me tight.
“What?” I ask running to my room. I snatch up my calendar and read the date, it‘s Feb 16th. ‘I can’t believe this…I forgot my own birthday…’ I think to myself. I walk back out to the living room feeling stupid.
“You forgot?” Han and Siah ask at the same time, how did they manage to sneak in?
“Um, yeah, apparently I did.” I say laughing, everyone joins in.
“So…can I wish you a happy birthday?” asks a very familiar voice from behind me, I spin around as I think I’m going insane.
“Jim- oh…ha…it’s you Jim.” I stutter as I realize that it’s Jimmy’s brother.
“Yeah.”
“Of course you can, dear.” I say hugging him tight, he even smells like Jimmy.
“Well then, happy birthday, Steph.” he sighs, it sounds like a sigh of relief. I feel mortified that he would think that I would blame him for Jimmy’s death…
The party went on, happily, no more awkwardness. They knew how much I adored birthdays; it just hadn’t occurred to me how many I had missed while I was in my fog. I feel rather ashamed to have been so selfish, have I changed at all? I sigh; maybe I did need that help. I laugh at my thoughts, not good to do when a serious conversation is going on, that you’re supposed to be listening to. Everybody looks at me…I laugh harder.
“I’m sorry. I need to go to bed; it’s been a long day.”
“Alright, we love you.” my friend Kayla rushes to give me another hug. She hadn’t really let go of me all night…she worries too much and she worries about me going back into my fog, much too often.
I sigh, “I’m fine, Kayla. Don’t worry about me.”
“Do you even know how old you are, Steph?” she asks, her worried green eyes looking up at me. She was extremely short compared to my height.
“Umm…”
“That’s what I thought. You’re 19, Steph.”
I gasp, had the years really flown by that quickly?
“Wow.” is all I can say.
“Yeah. Now tell me, are you okay?”
I wasn’t sure if I could answer her question…I had forgotten my birthday and then didn’t even know how old I was. I sigh. “Yeah, Kayla. I’m fine. I’m living my life, remember? Isn’t that a pretty good start?”
“Sure.” she shrugs.
“Okay, well goodnight, everybody. And thank you for all of this.” I smile.
“No problem, good night, happy birthday.” chorused the crowd.
I laugh and walk back to my room….there on my pillow is a little box and a small card, I shut my door and quickly walk over to it. I gasp, on the card is his signature…”Jimmy” I had to be dreaming, how did that get there? I pinch myself, “Ouch!” I yell. Okay…I’m awake. I reach for the card with shaking hands; I tear it open and read carefully,
“Dear Steph, You are my life, love, and laughter. Without you I have nothing to live for. Now, I bought this this past year, but decided to wait till your 19th birthday. I did so knowing that you would want to wait. We have planned this for a long while, now, and I’m glad that I can finally have you in my arms forever. Stephanie Walker, will you marry me?” and the letter stopped. I burst out into tears and yell, “Why aren’t you here so that I can say ‘Yes!’?” I snatch up the box and rip it open; in it is a small diamond ring, just my size. I put it on and say, “Jimmy, I love you, my answer is yes, and it will always be yes!”
I cry myself to sleep, dreaming of what would’ve been if he had lived.

I live my life as if I was always married to Jimmy, like I said before, love is dead for me. I live through my family and friends, Siah and Hannah are doing amazingly well and still the best friends a girl could ask for. Siah will forever be my Jacob and Han will forever be his Bella, we are the Three Musketeers. Jen and Jim are doing well, going off to college together and living their lives. Kayla is still worried, but that’s just Kayla. I love them all…and they help me live without the pain tearing me apart. I take out my rant journal and write, “I’m no longing a dying soul, but a struggling one.”


AND SO I LIVE……